Here’s the thing: I was fully prepared to do a post on subway etiquette. I was thinking along the line of subway dos and don’ts. That is, until I committed what is apparently one of the most offensive sins one can do on the subway. During rush hour.
Before I begin: I love making myself herring sandwiches (when I have time) for breakfast. Fresh Direct has these awesome frozen everything bagels; you just pop ’em in the oven for five minutes on 425. Unbelievable. Then comes the cream cheese. I hate paying for scallion cream cheese. Where I shop it’s a huge ripoff so I just make my own. Totally better. Trader Joe’s has the best lox. Did you know you can freeze it? Then I throw in arugula, tomatoes, sometimes capers and, wait for it, herring. If I’m on the ball (or as the natives call it, geshikt) there will already be chopped onions marinating in the herring juice. Heaven. Seriously.
What was I talking about? Right, subway etiquette. The other day I prepared myself this sandwich but didn’t have time to eat it, so I took it to go. Seemed harmless. I rode on the subway with Craig and Lisi. He was eating his breakfast bar and Lisi was nursing (yeah, we still do that), so I figured it was a perfect time to whip out my sandwich. I unwrap my aluminum foil and start savoring each bite, and then Craig looks at me.
Craig: Seriously? Is that smell coming from you?
Me: Huh? Oh, you mean my sandwich? Yeah! Isn’t it awesome?
Craig: No! If I didn’t know you I’d be giving you dirty looks right now!
Lady sitting next to us: Oh, that actually smells really good!
Lady: But I’m going to have to switch seats.
Craig: Great, now look what you did.
Ok, so that was a big no-no. Guilty. And that’s why I’m in no position to rant. I’m sure I’m generally an offender on the subway — I mean, who doesn’t like my Hummer-sized stroller presenting a fire hazard? Or my kid that talks at a really loud decibel? Or my other kid that likes to hold on to the pole and run in circles? Or our stinky diaper situation?
But since I ride the subway a lot, I’ll just lay out the basics:
– Please try to only take up one seat. Your bag doesn’t need a seat of its own. Did you pay $2.50 for your bag? No? Than put it on your lap!
– Don’t block the doors! I hate when everyone has to walk single file because of the schmuck that doesn’t want to lose his coveted door spot!
– Let them off. Seriously. Let everyone out before you push your way though. It’s just rude.
Stick to the rules and the subway will be a happier place. Especially now that it won’t smell like herring sandwiches.